April 2 2020
I feel like im drowning. In doupt, in hate, in self pitty, and in life. It seems like yesterday when I started to find the meaning in my life. It felt like it was going somewhere, some purpose.The rug has been pulled out from under me. this injury is the worst thing that has ever happened to me. im half of my person. im a shell of who im meant to be. How did I get here and where will it take me. I feel like im dying. My three year relationship is over, and I don’t know where to start from here. I don’t know how oto be alone. I will never be as comfortable with anyone like this ever again.. yet I cant feel a thing. I feel numb. I cant cry, I cant mourn, and more importantly I cant have closure. Dylan lives with me. we need his rent, I need his help, I cant walk and I still think I love him kind of. I mean I think I do…shouldn’t i? maybe I just love the idea of us that im still holding onto. The fallacy of the forever that I genuinely thought was a possibility. We haven’t been ourselves for months. We just have different ideas about what we want out of the relationship. He says that I haven’t made an sacrifices for him in our whole relationship. Which is true if you are looking at him moving up here and helping me with the leg, but I thought that he wanted to move up here. Im so confused where this leaves us. He even tried to take most of it back when he was drunk and all over me. It doesn’t seem real, I cant imagine being without “ him. not the desperate…”no please don’t leave me” kind of way; I just have been with him so long andhe is so incorporated in my life, that I simply can’t imagine it. ive been with him for so long that I cant feel the validity of the situation. I always knew we might break up, being so young and all, but I never felt we would. I was so happy three months ago, so confident in myself and everything else. Now I don’t know where I am, who I am, what I am supposed to do and who im supposed to be.
April 4, 2010
Now its worse than ever. He came home that night and started to barred me and my friends and screamed at me. it was quite frightening and I asked him to leave my house. When I went to go give him his phone he shoved me off my crutches with his closed fists to my chest and then proceeded to choke me with his right hand around my throat, thinking I was attempting to keep his phone from him.Then he left. I was so taken aback because I have never seen a violent bone in his body. It was really strange because the conversation we had had earlier that day was civil and I think was leading to some good conclusions and solutions to our problems. Then he came busting in here saying he was done forever with me, with aaron, with us. He said I have been manipulating for three years. That he never loved me and that. Im pathetic and a waste of time. now this seems to me like solution is to get the fuck away from him, but …he lives here. I don’t have the money to pay for his half of the rent. I don’t know what to do. its going to be really hard finding another roommate, but I really don’t want him in this house. Its so sad because even though our relationship was over, I didn’t think that it needed to end like this. With hatred and violence. I thought at least we could salvage a friendship. I value most of our time together. It is just really painful to know that he doesn’t. the easiest..but most horribly awkward solution is that I share my room with will, and he lives in the other room till he can find us a roommate. Which he probably wont even do. he is willing to keep paying the rent and stay here. Maybe even share wills room with him, but honestly I don’t want him here. Its just going to be painful and confusing. How are we supposed to move on if we are stuck in the same house all the time. I haven’t cried yet…I don’t know if that is a bad or good thing. I don’t think that I have been in love with him for a while now, im sure the same goes the other way. however I was once upon a time in love him. and I still love him. shouldn’t I mourn for that? I just cant feel anything really. Its like my brain short circuited and burnt out from all this shit that’s been raining down lately. He says that all of our good times were fake. Yes, many of them were mind altering situations but who is to say those are not the realest experiences of them all. Why not relish the moments outside the drone like normal thoughts of everyday life and get to love and cherish your friends that are the closest to you. Maybe we are just the lucky ones who figured out that instead of just being born, living and dying you can fill the in-betweens with bliss, enjoyment and close friends. He may not cherish times he spent with me but I do of him. I have too many good memories to count and it just saddens me to think he doesn’t. yet still I cannot weep. Three years is a long time maybe that is why. Denial perhaps? Not the normal kind where im still under the allusion of a perfectly healthy relationship, but no great change has happened in my life because of it. he is sitting in the next room in my house. I cant feel it, because im in relationship limbo, a place worse than the flaming depths of its hell.
